Politicians will respect homophones

I know, I abandoned this blog for a long while. This was partly due to time constraints, but also because ... I got a little tired. Bored. Jaded.

I mean, how many times can one comment on poor grammar and egregious typos before one becomes weary? Especially in this heat?

(Sighs, picks up fan, listlessly waves it in general direction of face.)

But then someone gave me a reason to come back.

Guy Glodis.

I'll be honest, I really hadn't given much thought to Guy Glodis. I was aware he was running for political office because some of my neighbors have big GLODIS signs in their yards, but otherwise I knew nothing of the man.

Today, this came in the mail.



I may not know much about politics, but I do know a thing or two about homophones. What Guy Glodis meant to say was that he would do this to financial improvidence:



What his brochure suggests, however, is a little more like this:



But wait; there's more.

On the back page of the brochure is a quote from Guy Glodis himself:



Popular opinion differs as to the correct use of the apostrophe to denote the possessive in words ending in "s"; however, the court of the Copyeditor General does not listen to popular opinion.

AP style says to "use only an apostrophe" and gives "Kansas' schools" as an example. More specific to Guy Glodis' (see what I did there?) employment goals is this helpful hint from the Mass.gov Style Guide:

Possessive
The possessive form for Massachusetts is Massachusetts'.

Copyeditor General's ruling: If Guy Glodis really wants to bring an end to governmental profligacy, he might want to start by asking someone to proof his glossy, four-color campaign materials before he sends them to the printer.

And meanwhile, he should listen to the Apostrophe Song.

Good grammar will make bath time lots of fun

Allow me to translate:

Ducky Is by the Dozen
Rubber Ducky You Are in Possession of The One

Who doesn't love rubber ducky is? They've been around since the created of the 1800 ...

It's even rumored that Queen Elizabeth owned a rubber ducky (which, being in the past tense, implies either Liz or her bath toy are no longer with us)!

It (Her Majesty's duck, apparently) became hugely popular ... and since then has achieved iconic status in the USA (which explains why Liz no longer has the duck; it's headlining at Caesar's Palace next month).

Now days (who needs extra vowels anywy?) ... it's one of our most popular theme baby gifts (any thoughts on this one? Popular theme-baby? No?).

Copyeditor General's ruling: This apparent ignorance of basic grammar makes me so tense. I need a tubby filled with water and nice fluffy suds.

September 24 will be a national holiday

It's National Punctuation Day. Please celebrate responsibly, perhaps with a t-shirt:



or a song:

There will be educated people in Harvard Square

When you think Harvard Square, what images come to mind? Okay, probably one of the following:

• Hordes of tourists in matching crimson sweatshirts from the cart in the subway station;
• Suburban a-haaaal-turrrnative teens practicing skateboard moves (oops, sorry, they've moved on to parkour now) in the Pit;
• An inexplicable line of people waiting to get into the decidedly underwhelming Border Cafe;
• Rami Salami

Okay, yes, those are all true. However, the answer we're looking for: Disciplined intellectuals thriving in a world of high educational expectations, with examples of academic excellence and exactitude at every turn.

Right? Harvard, right? Three hundred and fifty years of graduating people like JFK, T.S. Eliot, Benazir Bhutto, Margaret Atwood, W.E.B Du Bois, Robert Benchley? Shouldn't that somehow rub off on the rest of the population?

Maybe the educational vibes just don't make it as far as the offices of harvardsquare.com.







Copyeditor General's ruling:I suppose I shouldn't have such high expectations. After all, some talented and inspiring people may have wandered Harvard Square as students, but so did Antonin Scalia, Alberto Gonzales, Aníbal Acevedo Vilá, Phyllis Schlafly, Bill O'Reilly, Ted Kaczynski ...

Ice cream sites will not give me the chills

Ice cream is one of those summer staples that signifies nostalgia and innocence. Even towns otherwise carpet-bombed into chain-store homogeneity often have a mom-and-pop ice cream stand that opens on Memorial Day and serves up dairy delights throughout the season.

These days, of course, nostalgia needs to be upgraded with a website.

Which just means more tasty treats in the error icebox.

Let's start slowly, to avoid brain-freeze, with a basic typo from Lickety's Ice Cream Truck:



And then we'll ease in with another example from the same site, this time from a page of resources for kids. Or possibly just one specific kid.



Because we know how much kids enjoy fan.

The origins of ice cream are much debated (check out the lovely documentary Gelato: An Endless Passion for an overview). But at least we have some idea of the sacrifices of later creative spirits:



How on earth did he keep his balance?

And the prize for tasty typos goes to the Dairy Kastle in Louisville, Kentucky, where the entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well:



Probably wise to move away from falvors anyway.

Best of all, though, is the same page's conclusion. Forget the stubbornly consistent refusal to accept the apostrophe. Ignore the fact that the second sentence is a fragment. Disregard the your/you're issue.

What, exactly, does the last sentence mean?



Copyeditor General's ruling: Is it wrong to critique the linguistic abilities of these small seasonal businesses? Should we overlook their typos on the grounds that they're not slick corporations with fancy-pants copyeditors and high-powered MarComm professionals?

Or does the fact that they're providing a service to children (who, frankly, need all the grammatical role models they can get) suggest they should be held to a higher standard?

Ah, it's too hot to think about this stuff.

Anyone fancy an ice cream?

Mothers will hang their heads in shame

Mother's Day is a time to remember all the wonderful things moms teach us: respect, generosity, responsibility; how to tie shoelaces and bake cookies; how to play Blackjack (though maybe that was just my mom).

And what better way to say thank you than with a pretty, heartfelt message?



Or perhaps a lovely gift basket?



There are, of course, other ways to send



Such as, for instance, this doubtless very nice plaque:



Sorry, did I say plaque? I guess the broken image shows something different:



If you want something really special, how about this?



But then again, maybe you don't want to put too much thought into it:



(Suggesting not only that you can get any old crap for Mom, but also that no more thought needs to go into the gift than into writing about the gift.)

Don't forget to include a card to let Mom know how you feel.

Copyeditor General's ruling: I blame the parents.

Jaguars will not be in charge of punctuation

Almost a year ago, I wrote about the mysterious "no live parking" command posted outside Stone Zoo.

More recently, I noted the apparent employment of monkeys as signwriters at Franklin Park Zoo.

This weekend, we made our first trip of the year back to Stone Zoo, in part so The Boy could visit his foster son. And we found this errant apostrophe:



And this question (asked so enthusiastically that the formalities of punctuation become unnecessary):



Copyeditor General's ruling: There seems to be a pattern here. Do all zoos allow the animals to copyedit their signage, or is it only in Massachusetts? This requires more research.

Cute kids will not go barefoot

Is this what we've come to? Clothing companies, under fire for exploiting children, are now going around stealing the shoes from their feet? And not only that, but they're also specifically targeting adorable tykes?

Spotted on Facebook:



Copyeditor General's ruling: If you see a cute kid wearing a single green Doc Marten, tell him I know where the other one is.

Financial companies will not tax my patience

As Ben "C-Note" Franklin once said, "In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes."

Which means both are healthily competitive industries. Which means companies have to try a little harder to stand out. Which means, therefore, that they should be veeerrry careful to avoid appearing shoddy and unprofessional.

(You can tell I'm going somewhere with this, can'tcha?)

This is especially true in the case of financial service companies (see, that's where the taxes part comes in), whose credibility lies their mastery of detail.

However.

Exhibit A comes courtesy of the lovely Ashley, whose heightened awareness of grammatical faux pas has earned her the title of Deputy of the Week:



To confirm its correct what, exactly, H&R Block?

Over at A&E Financial Services, there's a two-fer: an errant apostrophe and confusion over whether the company is a singular or plural entity:



Not just an accountant; not a proofreader either.

But at least we should be grateful that someone there knows how to spell accountant, unlike the chaps at Matthews Hanton:



The prize, though, goes to Keith M. Earl, Certified Public Accountant:



Oh, I'm sorry; did I say "Certified Public Accountant"? My mistake.



Copyeditor General's ruling:When your business is built on attention to detail, your expertise in that area should shine through in everything you do. But if you can't be bothered to spellcheck your site, what are the chances you double-check your balance sheets?

All my exes will live in fear of typos

Q: What's more annoying than apostrophe misuse?
A: Selective apostrophe misuse.

These cutely titled address books sit in a gift store in Davis Square:



Who does this? Who understands what a plural noun looks like, recognizes that there's no apostrophe--and then decides there must be an exception to the rule?

Copyeditor General's ruling: The correct spelling is exes, as in "I count among my exes many misguided souls who don't own dictionaries."

Thanks for the invitation

But I'm going to have to decline.

I think we all know why.

Online newspaper editors will lay off the nog

Yes, I know yesterday was Christmas, and today is Boxing Day, and between the mince pies and sherry and the hourly renditions of "Merry Xmas Everybody" (you know, this one), it's hard to know for sure: was the headline's painful apostrophe in the copy you gave to the designer, or did he throw it in there without thinking?

And why didn't anyone check the finished graphic?



Copyeditor General's ruling: It may not be culinary, but it's certainly one of the year's lowlights, Guardian Unlimited.

Steven Seagal will keep his juices to himself

Has this ever happened to you: it's a sweltering summer day, you're feeling a little tired, and you think--perhaps not for the first time--why hasn't the star of Marked for Death, Half Past Dead and Today You Die created a delicious energy drink?

Well, wake up and smell the goji berries, baby, because I bring good news: he has.



(You can't see it on the still image, but the lines around the logo above actually throw out pulsating bolts of light energy. It's electrifying.)

According to the website for Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink, the neck-punching actor spent years traveling Asia to collect the ingredients for his all-natural beverage.

Unfortunately, someone spent considerably less time creating the website.

I could analyze everything that's hilariously wrong (or wrongly hilarious) about the site, but I'm a busy person. Instead, I'll just point out (and laugh at) the best parts. I invite you to laugh along.

Steven Seagal now can add “Energy Drink formulator” to a list of talents that already includes veteran actor, singer/songwriter, guitarist, and Aikido black belt [...] His album, Songs from the Crystal Cave, released earlier this year, has already hit the pop charts in Europe."

"...hit the pop charts in Europe." Did real well, too.

... Steven Seagal is a popular action movie hero ...

(which is why 11 of his last 17 movies were self-produced and made for video).

... whose films combine spiritual concepts and social/environmental consciousness with high-voltage violence."

He saves cleans up toxic waste *and* kicks a guy in the throat!

What else? Ah yes:



Should I mention the apostrophic nightmare? Moving on:

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt is an energy drink as unique as the man who created it. It has pioneered the way for nutritional, all natural energy drinks and emerged as many “firsts” ...

Can a single item "emerge as many firsts"? What does that look like? And does it hurt?

The first "first" is that the drink contains the Tibetan goji berry. Little-known fact: this is another name for the wolfberry, which is apparently a common ingredient in energy brews. Here's one, though the name is a little off-putting. But the name of this one actually means wolfberry, which should have been a bit of a giveaway.

It is also one of the very few energy drinks to be offered in multiple flavors ...

Yeah, it's always a good idea to check before making a statement like that. I did. And hey, looky!

XS Gear drinks comes in three flavors, just like Stevie's brew.

Zipfizz also has a trio of taste sensations.

Naked Juice has kicked it up a notch (but probably not using nunchaku).

My favorite is Odwalla; I'm currently celebrating the seasonal return of their Super Protein Pumpkin drink, which tastes like punkin pie and is only available through the holiday season (after which the stupid government takes it away).

But I digress. Suffice it to say that a quick Goog for natural energy drink flavors throws doubt on "first-emergence" claims.



The name "Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt" was an inevitable afterthought?

Okay, kids, as we're online, let's check dictionary.com:

af·ter·thought /ˈæftərˌθɔt, ˈɑf-/ –noun
1. a later or second thought; reconsideration.
2. reflection after an act; an appropriate explanation, answer, expedient, or the like, conceived of too late for the occasion.
3. something added, as a part or feature, that was not included in the original plan or design: The vestry was added to the church as an afterthought.

Or, as it were, the name was hastily appended to the energy drink as an afterthought. Inevitable, really.

When Steven Seagal finished creating a drink that holds untold natural power, there was only one equivalent in nature - The Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt.

Let me make sure I understand: Seagal created a potentially supernatural drink that has only one equivalent in nature: the drink he created. Wow, maybe the man is a god ...

Both mysterious and powerful, it's a symbol of the untold energy the earth has to offer - Such is Steven Seagals Lightning Bolt energy drink.

It's mysterious! It's powerful! Its mystery is exceeded only by its power!

Its name was an inevitable afterthought!

Oh, and I love that the "Latest news" has been updated twice: in October 2005 and January 2006. Overdue for another announcement, aren't we?

Copyeditor General's ruling: While the audience for this beverage undoubtedly expresses a preference for head-butting action and awesome pecs over careful grammar and factual accuracy, and while Steven Seagal could probably turn CGHQ into a pile of smoking rubble in seconds, websites promoting products intended for human ingestion should project a strong, consistent tone of authority and credibility.

Oh, and if some big dude with a ponytail comes around asking questions, you haven't seen me.

The thought will not be what counts

There's a reason some greetings cards end up in the discount bin. Here's one, supplied by Al, owner of the blog Stuff to Think About:



Gah! All I know is that if any child of mine sent me this awful missive, and didn't do so with a generous side-salad of irony, they'd be written out of the will.

(Wait--I don't have a will. Joke's on them! Ha!)

Thanks, Al, for recognizing, correctly, that this would cause me to shriek in horror. You'd get a Deputy of the Week t-shirt if such a thing existed.

And here's a little something The Boy and I found in Building 19 1/17 a few years back. We got two for a buck, if memory serves.



(The caption under the photo on the notepaper reads Treasure of memory.) I know, one shouldn't mock; this one was made in Korea, so theoretically gets a pass. Not from me, though.

Copyeditor General's ruling: If I ever find Hallmark doing stuff like this, there's gonna be trouble.

Dogs will have better role models

Spotted yesterday at the pet groomery:



Mmmm-mmmm! Has anything ever sounded more delicious? But why describe it as "cooked in its own juices"? Doesn't that just mean baked? Or roasted? Wouldn't it have been more compelling to call it roast beef? At least until you notice the section further round that notes it's "in loaf form." Yuuuum-meeee!

What caught my eye, of course, wasn't the utterly unappetizing description. but rather the big fat apostrophe right there in the middle of the can. I guess they assume dogs don't care about punctuation.

This sign is posted in the park near our house:



Of course I understand what it means, but the literal translation is all dogs must be on a leash, and all dogs must clean up after your dog.

I'm all for community collaboration and equality of responsibility, but I have trouble believing that the dogs that, um, patronize this patch of greenspace will start carrying plastic bags and pooper scoopers. Not with all the squirrels distracting them.

Copyeditor General's ruling: If dogs are going to the trouble of learning English, the least we can do is lead by example.

The British will not be considered superior

Last week I was in England, where I discovered that poor signage is a universal blight. And whether a symptom of stereotypical British politeness or just lack of editing skills, there's a tendency to throw more words on a sign than necessary.

The best examples of this were in the local city council offices. However, the prevalence of security cameras made me reluctant to take photos, so I'll have to tell, rather than showing:

MOBILE PHONE USERS

COULD ALL USERS OF MOBILE PHONES
PLEASE HAVE RESPECT FOR OTHER
CUSTOMERS AND KINDLY REFRAIN FROM
USING THEM WHILE CARRYING OUT
TRANSACTIONS AT THE COUNTER.

THANK YOU

Let's put aside the fact that they really shouldn't be using other customers at all, and focus instead on the overall message.

What they really want to say is "hang up your damn phone," but obviously that's much too brusque. But adding the pleases and kindlies and thankyous--and printing THE WHOLE THING IN CAPS--just means more words to wade through to find the useful part. By which time your phone has started playing the Crazy Frog and you're next in line.

And for those who like to believe the British education system is substantially better than that in the US, here's more evidence to suggest otherwise.

Left luggage office at Heathrow Airport (Terminal 3, Arrivals):



Photo caption at the Museum of Hartlepool:



(My mum found that one, so she gets to be Deputy of the Week!)

In a store window, also in Hartlepool:



Apparently it's not enough to mangle the use of "everyday" ...

Finally, a twofer--too many words and poorly punctuated:



Does "dog fouling" refer to making sliding tackles on terriers?

Copyeditor General's ruling: Evidently the problem is greater than I thought. We need to install a CG at the EU.

Socio-political criticism will be proofread first

On the back of a truck in the parking lot of the Christmas Tree Store, Salem, New Hampshire:



Hilarious, no?

But here's the thing: I had a conversation a few weeks ago with a friend who's studying linguistics. He suggested that another word for grammatical stickler was "snob."

Yes, he was playing devil's avocado a little, but his point stands: is it fair to highlight the educational failings of others, to hold them up to the light and laugh? Haven't we all sent work with egregious typos out into the world, sometimes not noticing our mistakes until eagle-eyed friends (yeah, thanks, Kyle) have brought them joyfully to our attention?

So no more mockery of individual, personal grammatical goofs.

However, anything produced by professional organizations for public consumption is still fair game. Such as this sign at Canobie Lake Park in New Hampshire:

Apostrophe on the stand again

Evidence against the accused comes from a Craigslist posting.

Yes, your honor, I'm aware the source means it may be inadmissable in court.

Craigslist is an oversized community bulletin board where anyone can post anything (case in point, my favorite listing ever, from the 18+ Casual Encounters section: "Man with duck fetish seeks lady with duck costume").

But one would still expect a more careful eye to detail, given the listing's origin:

The Christian Science Monitor is re-launching it's web site, www.csmonitor.com. We have an exciting opporutnity for a Web Designer!

(Note the bonus typo.)

Now, I know the Monitor, and it's rare to see a glitch in the copy. The newspaper has a reputation for striving for excellence as well as for editorial neutrality.

Could they be taking a Jeffersonian position on the matter?

In Made in America, Bill Bryson writes: "Jefferson always wrote it's for the possessive form of it, a practice that now looks decidedly illiterate. In fact, there was some logic to it. As a possessive form, the argument went, its required an apostrophe in exactly the same way as did words like children's or men's. Others contended, however, that on certain common words like ours or yours it was customary to dispense with the apostrophe, and that its belonged in this camp. By about 1815, the non-apostrophists had their way almost everywhere, but in 1776, it was a fine point, and one to which Jefferson clearly did not subscribe" (p. 43).

Is this the case here? Only the Monitor knows for sure.

Anyway, I've been rethinking my stand on the banishment of the apostrophe, especially as there are loyal lovers of punctuation struggling to keep it alive. The Apostrophe Protection Society, under the stewardship of retired journalist John Richards, collects examples of its misuse for all the world to see.

And over at Flickr, there's a whole pool of apostrophic crimes in which to wade.

So while flagrant misuse of this punctuation perturbes me, I'll consider rescinding my previous ruling. As long as there are bands of guerrilla grammaticians out there, working to promote the apostrophe's correct use, I shall allow myself to dream of a world in which even national newspapers can get it right.

The apostrophe will not exist

Heretical, no? But here's the thing: it has become quite clear to me that most people have no idea when to use it--not with the letters i-t-s, not with plurals, not with possession. So I think it will just be easier if we do away with the pesky thing altogether. Much easier than trying to educate people in its correct use.

For instance:



The next example was on display at a Pawtucket Red Sox concession window--right out in view of families and young children and everything.



It kills me that they knew to add a tilde to jalapeños, but not to treat a plural noun ending in a vowel in the same way as any other noun (peanuts they got right; fries is irregular anyway). Actually, there can't have been even that level of logic, otherwise it would be jalapeño's.

I suspect that my argument for dispensing with the apostrophe will find favor in the halls of government. There are people in power already proudly promoting its irrelevance. Like Michael McGlynn, Mayor of the City of Medford, Mass:



Ruling of the Copyeditor General: It is time to bid farewell to the apostrophe. Because if you people cannot play nicely with it, you should not be allowed to use it at all.